Stories: How Maleficent Got her Castle Guards

[N.B. - The Maleficent Stories are getting more simple, but He'en is still buying them, so we carry on. This one requires appropriate sound effects, indicated in caps. In this regard, it is helpful to have only a preschooler for your audience. They will appreciate it. Others may not.]

Once upon a time, Maleficent was flying around the kingdom, making mischief --

Aside: "What does that mean?"
Little voice: "Making twubble. Because she iss twubble."
Aside: "That's right, she is trouble."

-- and a thought came into her head. And the thought was, "I think I would like some guards for my castle." [See How Maleficent Got Her Castle]

She knew she would need lots of guards, so she looked for lots of something. She flew and she flew until she found a field of dandelions.

"I will have those for my castle guards," she said. And in a POOF of green smoke, she turned all the dandelions into castle guards. But because they were --

Little voice: "DAN-de-yions!"

-- right, dandeLIONS, the guards all started to ROAR!

ROAR!

"I do not want a castle full of guards saying ROAR," said Maleficent. So in a POOF of green smoke, she changed them all back to dandelions.

Maleficent flew on until she found a field of bluebells. "I will have those for my castle guards," she said. And in a POOF of green smoke, she changed all the bluebells into castle guards. But because they were blueBELLS, the guards all started to go DING-A-LING-A-LING!

DING-A-LING-A-LING!

"I do not want a castle full of guards all going DING-A-LING-A-LING!," said Maleficent.

Little voice: [giggle]

So in a POOF of green smoke, she changed them all back to bluebells.

Maleficent flew on until she found a field of crabgrass. "I will have those for my castle guards," she said. And in a POOF of green smoke, she changed all the crabgrass plants into castle guards. But because they were CRABgrass, the guards all started to go SNAP SNAP SNAP with their crabby claws!

SNAP SNAP SNAP!

 "I do not want a castle full of guards all going SNAP SNAP SNAP!," said Maleficent. So in a POOF of green smoke, she changed them all back to crabgrass.

Maleficent flew on until she found a field of pigweed.  "I will have those for my castle guards," she said. And in a POOF of green smoke, she changed all the pigweed plants into castle guards. Now, pigweed is very strong and sturdy, and so were the castle guards. They were made from PIGweed, so once in a while, they said SNORT and OINK. But they were very good guards.

"These are the guards I want for my castle," said Maleficent. So in a POOF of green smoke, she magicked them all to the castle.

And that . . . SNORT . . . is how Maleficent . . . OINK . . . got her castle guards.

Stories: How Maleficent Got Her Crow

[N.B. - This was the second of the Maleficent Stories. Accordingly, it's a little more elaborate than subsequent Maleficent Stories. I started to scale back the complexity once I twigged that He'en apparently was going to request a "New Mayefficen' Stowy!" every single bedtime until she left for college.]

Once upon a time, Maleficent was flying around the kingdom, making mischief --

Aside: "What does that mean?"
Little voice: "Making twubble. Because she iss twubble."
Aside: "That's right, she is trouble."

-- and a thought came into her head. And the thought was, "I think I would like a companion."

Maleficent thought a bird would be a good companion. So she found a hummingbird, because hummingbirds are very fast and good fliers.

"I challenge you to a race," she said to the hummingbird. "If you win, I will give you gold and riches. But if I win, you have to be my companion."

"Very well," said the hummingbird.

So they came to the starting line. "One, two, three, GO!" And away flew the hummingbird, ZING, fast and far!  But Maleficent cheated. In a POOF of green smoke, she magicked herself to the finish line. When the hummingbird arrived, she said, "I win! You have to be my companion."

"You cheated," replied the hummingbird. "I will not be your companion." And ZING, away flew the hummingbird, fast and far.

Well, Maleficent could not do much about that, so she looked for another companion. And she found a dove. Now, doves are not very good fliers, but she challenged the dove to a race.

"I challenge you to a race," she said to the dove. "If you win, I will give you gold and riches. But if I win, you have to be my companion."

"Very well," said the dove.

So they came to the starting line.  "One, two, three, GO!"  And away flew the dove (but not very fast, and not very far). Again Maleficent cheated. POOF! In a puff of green smoke, she magicked herself to the finish line. And there she waited. And waited. And waited. But the dove never showed up.

So Maleficent went back along the racecourse, and she found the dove sleeping in a tree.

"You are too lazy to be my companion," she told the dove.

"Very well," yawned the dove, and flew away (but not very fast and not very far).

So Maleficent kept looking for a companion, and she met a crow. Now, crows are very smart, and they are excellent fliers. So Maleficent challenged the crow to a race.

 "I challenge you to a race," she said to the crow. "If you win, I will give you gold and riches. But if I win, you have to be my companion."

"Very well," said the crow.

So they came to the starting line. "One, two, three, GO!" And away flew the crow, fast and far!  Maleficent cheated again, and in a POOF of green smoke, she magicked herself to the finish line. But when the crow arrived, before Maleficent could say a word, the crow turned around and flew back toward the starting line.

Well, Maleficent was so surprised that she couldn't catch up. So she magicked herself back to the starting line, where the crow was waiting.

"You cheated," she said to the crow.

"No, I didn't," said the crow. "You didn't say whether it was a round-trip race."

Maleficent and the crow glared at each other. Until, finally,

"I like the way you think," said Maleficent.

"I like the way you think," said the crow. "I will be glad to be your companion."

And that is how Maleficent got her crow.

Stories: How Maleficent Got Her Castle

[N.B. - This was the first of the Maleficent Stories. Accordingly, it's a little more elaborate than subsequent Maleficent Stories. I started to scale back the complexity once I twigged that He'en apparently was going to request a "New Mayefficen' Stowy!" every single bedtime until she left for college.]

Once upon a time, Maleficent was flying around the kingdom, making mischief --

Aside: "What does that mean?"
Little voice: "Making twubble. Because she iss twubble."
Aside: "That's right, she is trouble."

-- and a thought came into her head. And the thought was, "I think I would like a castle."

So Maleficent flew and flew until she saw a castle that was just right. It was shining gold and silver and perched high up on a great knob of rock.

"What a beautiful castle," thought Maleficent. "I will have it for my own."

So in a POOF of green smoke, she flew down to the castle and knocked on the door. But nobody answered. That didn't stop Maleficent. She pushed open the door and went inside.

Aside: "Should she have done that?"
Little voice: (emphatically) "No!"
Aside: "Right, but she did it anyway, because Maleficent is not polite."
Little voice: (with great satisfaction and a little snuggle) "Wight."

And inside the castle Maleficent saw. . .
. . . a dining room, with a dinner all laid out,
. . . and a game room, with games all ready to play,
. . . and a bedroom, with a bed all made and ready!

She walked all though the castle, but nobody was home. So Maleficent . . .
. . . went to the dining room and ate the dinner,
. . . went to the game room and played with all the games,
. . . and went to the bedroom and crawled in the bed to sleep.

But no sooner was Maleficent asleep than the castle's *real* owner came home! He was a magnificent dragon, with red and orange and gold scales and golden eyes. And his name was Firebrand. 

Firebrand walked into his castle and said,
"Somebody's eaten my dinner!"
Then he walked to the game room and said,
"Someone's been playing with my games!"
Then he walked to the bedroom and said,
"Someone's sleeping in my bed!"

But as soon as he said that, Maleficent woke up! And with a POOF of green smoke, she cast a spell on Firebrand and imprisoned him in his own dungeon! And not only that, but she made Firebrand work very hard. She used his firey breath to . . . heat her bathwater.

Well, Firebrand didn't like this at all. So one day, he was looking at the small window of his dungeon cell and thought, "I'll bet I can get out of there." So he used his firey breath and with a great blast melted the bars on the dungeon window. And he gave a little
. . . mmf . . .
and an
. . . oompf . . .
and a big
. . . ungggh wiggle . . .
and POP, he was out of the dungeon!

Firebrand flew away as fast and as far as ever he could. And while he flew, he said to himself, "I don't want anything more to do with HER. She can KEEP that castle!"

So that is how Maleficent got her castle. But, because she was evil, it didn't stay gold and silver and shiny. It turned black and purple, and green clouds swirled around it.

And THAT is the castle you see in the movie.

The Maleficent Stories: Introduction

Sister Mine and I debated over whether He'en was ready for Sleeping Beauty. After all, Maleficient had deeply moved both of us in her time. Sister Mine says, "She scared the bejabbers out of me."  I suppose that Maleficent scared the bejabbers out of me, too, but, as my coping mechanism, I channeled Maleficient and went around for quite a long time in high school being all sweepy and dramatic. The villains always had the best makeup.

Because He'en had sailed through Bambi, however, with only some minor discussion about out-of-season hunting -- we'll save the harsh reality of doe permits for another year -- we decided she was emotionally prepared to handle Maleficent in all her wonderful awfulness. So Sleeping Beauty was duly purchased, and it was duly watched, and although I had to sit with He'en during a couple "scawwy pawts," we thought that she had managed just fine.

Well, she had . . . but as soon as the closing credits concluded, she attacked me with a rabid case of the curiosities.
About what, you may ask? 
The good fairies?  Pssht.
Aurora? Take a number.
Prince Philip?  Yawn.

No, no, my daughter wanted to know everything, and I do mean absolutely everything, there was to know about Maleficent:

How did Maleficent get her castle?
How did Maleficent get her crow?
Why are there green clouds around the castle?
Was Maleficent good once before she was evil?
Where did she get her castle guards? (Seriously.)
And on.
And on.
And on.
And at bedtime, no less.

In answer to this dire dearth of information, the Maleficent Stories were born. They have grown so numerous that I've started to forget them, so I will here record them from time to time both for reference and posterity.